December 12th finally came. I had been looking forward to this day for a few weeks. We packed up things to keep Otis occupied that made minimal noise. Cody reluctantly took off from work because he had so much to do that day, that whole month, actually.. but how could he miss this? I wanted him there, and I knew he wanted to be there! So I begged, and begged… maybe cried too. I needed him… “PLEASE come! You can’t miss this!” He agreed, and turned around from his drive to Danville and came home so we could ride together. We all loaded up the car and off we went. I was nervous, just like I was before every appointment with Otis. Just praying and hoping everything was okay in there.

We arrived, it was O’s nap time and we were crossing our fingers for a quick visit. (HA!) … We waited, and waited. My sister Whitley called me at 11:00 AM, like she does every day.  I giggled watching her call come across my screen, knowing how happy she would be if she knew where I was.. and then realized I had to come up with an excuse as to why I didn’t answer. I texted back, told her I was about to take a nap… nothing unusual there. I had been REALLY sick the whole month of November with an awful cough, I bruised my rib from said cough, and my body was growing a human. I couldn’t eat a thing. (no one knew the last parts)… And obviously, I couldn’t take anything worth taking to help me. Naps were an everyday thing around here at that point. Nothing Unusual.

We sat, and waited. Finally, it was our turn. “Kaylan?”…. MEEE. “Hello!!” I jumped up, smiled, and got moving as fast as I could with all of our things. I was so excited. Otis was tired and hanging on by a thread… Cody was also tired, but he was just tired of waiting.

The ultrasound tech asked a few questions about my cycle, gave instructions, left the room for me to get settled into the chair. She came back in. We knew this ultrasound tech well. In fact, she is one of my absolute favorites. I had her many times for O’s appointments. She remembered us, and we were very chatty.

     Until she wasn’t….“I am so sorry, Kaylan. I am having a hard time finding baby’s heartbeat. I will let your Doctor know and you guys can discuss next steps.” she handed me a box of tissues.

No. no. no. no. NO. no. Stop. It’s Christmas. This can’t be happening to me right now, or ever… Tears started flowing and they wouldn’t stop. I felt like someone had put a plastic bag over my head, and I couldn’t breathe. I felt broken. Cold, even. Shivering. Then, Cody looked at me, confused, “Well, Is she going to come back in here to try again?”… Both of us, shocked. So, I ended up having blood tests done to check my levels for two days.. More waiting… Maybe my dates were off? Maybe I’m just really early? But, I’m so so sick?  I have all the pregnancy symptoms? Why do I feel this way? Why is my body playing such a cruel joke on me? 

        “Kaylan, your numbers are going down. I am so so sorry but this does indicate that you are having a miscarriage. Your HCG levels did get very high, which explains why you are so sick. As your numbers go down, you should start feeling better..Again, I am so sorry..”

I should’ve ran out of tears to cry. I should start feeling better? When? Now, I’m wrecked in a whole other way. Where is the Good, Good Father, that I sing about in all of my favorite worship songs? The One whom I have placed all my hope in? Where is my God who says He loves me? When the unthinkable happens, when devastation is thrown on your lap, when this broken world shows itself in the forefront of your life. What do you do? I can’t bear this burden. I can’t, not on my own strength, begin to heal. I cannot face everyday without turning my eyes to Jesus. This world is so broken. My Father’s plans are FOR me, not against me. Bad things happen because we live in a broken world. Not because God wants the unthinkable to happen… He sees the whole story. Don’t get it twisted, bad things are not God’s will for your life. But they do, and will happen because of sin. Bad things happen for us to NOT become our own savior in this sin-filled world. We are not our own superheroes. It is in the quiet, the deep hurt, the pain, and stillness, where I find Jesus…and that I find true trust in HIS timing, not mine. Does this make my devastated heart all better? No, and I’m pretty sure I would quit life if I knew what all it took to get to the good parts.  I can’t spend my days trying to make sense of this, because it will never make sense to me. I don’t need answers. I just need Jesus. I need His truth. I need to trust that His scriptures and truth are healing my deep, deep wounds. Singing songs until I can’t breathe, reading scripture while the words are soaked with salty tears. Laying completely broken in bed away from the world, praying for God to come hold me, and take it all away. But in order to heal, you need to grieve.

He knows my pain.

He understands my cry for help.

He Sent His son to die.

He knows what loss feels like.

He shed many tears, too.

He cried out, too.

He knows pain, too.

God knows pain all too well. He knows suffering. HE had to send His son to die. A painful death. He sent His son to feel what we feel so that He could know US better. (Hebrews 2:17-18)

This is apart of my story now. Sorrow and death are very much apart of my story in a way I didn’t want. Duh, obviously no one wants sorrow or death to be apart of their story. I’m not sure why, yet. But I know one day, this unthinkable will happen to someone else. And just as God sent my friend, Morgan, to walk with me through this as she had, just a few months prior. Someone will need me. I will be there, tears flowing again, but helping her heart heal from the unimaginable pain taking over her life, flipping her world upside down… And pointing her back to Jesus. None of this is easy, or will ever be. Grieving is messy; it’s hard. It hurts like hell.

“Abba, Father, everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.” Mark 14:36

No one knows what to say to you when this happens. Miscarriage. The word sounds harsh, like somehow I made a MIStake. That my body failed me. The comments aren’t supposed to hurt, I know people mean well most of the time… But honestly, people are clueless. I was there once, too. I was clueless. If you haven’t gone through this or never will, I thank God for that. But just for some help sometimes you don’t need to say anything. A hug is great. An, “I am so sorry you’re going through this…” Or, “What can I do to help you?” “I’m praying for you as you begin to heal…” I’m still physically healing. I’m still emotionally healing. I’m still coming to terms with the loss of this little babe I had inside of me for 3 months. The dreams, the names, the planning, the pure excitement, the late night chats with Cody trying to figure out how we would handle two under two; giggling as we think of how Otis would act as a big brother.. We were supposed to announce Christmas Eve to our families. Instead, we were/are seeing all the other announcements. It stings bad. But I’m so thankful for all these little babies that are healthy, growing, and thriving. Life is precious, no matter the age, no matter the circumstance. I will rejoice knowing these mamas aren’t experiencing my grief. I will find joy. I WILL. Babies are a true gift, and I know that because of my sweet little guy. I’m still so excited for close friends and family that will welcome a new babe this year.